I took a headache today.  Not a migraine, though I’ve suffered with them since my early 20’s.  This one was caused by the muscles in my neck being insanely tight.  Ever felt like the fascia covering your skull is tight?  Try bouncing quarters off your traps?  I don’t recommend it.  Just so happened that I had my weekly physical therapy appointment today too. And I had been doing better…less restrictions in my movements, more flexibility to turn my head, almost felt like I was turning a corner a few weeks ago….except, I wasn’t.  Even my PT (who was my friend before she became my PT) was shocked.  She doesn’t shy away from a challenge, but damn.  

I’ve probably mentioned that I’m an analyst of sorts.  Have been the majority of my 19 year career.  And frankly, it’s a damn curse.  My analytical nature has served me well in my career and even in the journey (how cliche is that?! Ugh!) of navigating my condition but the problem is that my brain never shuts off.   Nev-er. Ever.  Never ever.  Neeeeevvvvah!!!!!

It is so accustomed to figuring things out that it scrutinizes every little thing I do or don’t do, eat or don’t eat, the way I move.  All of it…right there under the microscope. And no one sees it but me…unless I invite them into this jacked up world…but all this data probably contributes to my winter anxiety (and the year round kind too)…you know, if I had to guess. 

So my PT worked on me.  She has these fantastic instruments and technique that she uses called Graston.  They are amazing.  It’s like getting a massage and going deep into the tissue without all the tugging and pulling of a deep tissue massage.  And it’s fairly quick.  The results are not as fast as dry needling (which is a strange feeling but works quickly) but she and I agreed that dry needling might be so harsh to my system that I’d spend the weekend in bed.  No dice.

During the appointment, she asked me a question that was more profound that she meant.  Once she assessed me, she said “What do you think has caused this?”  Immediately, I started with the data:

“Work has been really stressful and I’ve been working long periods of time without taking a break.  Need to replace my home office chair.”

“I think my running shoes (if only they’d ever been used for that instead of only a complement my athlesiurely style) are worn out, that’s why my low back is flaring.”

“I was on a road trip/plane trip on Sunday.  It was a great trip but I had a panic attack because I was afraid we were going to miss our flight. Pulling luggage through the airport didn’t help.”

“Wait a minute! I went to the dentist yesterday.  They fixed my retainer and put on my permanent crown (wishing I meant tiara but alas my teeth were deemed total shit after birthing babies.) That was an hour and a half in the chair.”

“Middle school is wearing me out.  When do they learn to get organized???”

“Did a few things around the house that I probably  shouldn’t have but I’m 40, not 80, and some days I refuse to let this crap condition get the best of me.  Well, we see who won that competition, now don’t we?”

“I haven’t told anybody this but I’m thinking about attempting 2 weeks with no corn or dairy (and maybe sugar).  I know that I can eat them both in moderation but obviously my body is flared so maybe I need to remove some of the lesser culprits and just see…”

“I need to have my vitamin levels checked.  But my Rheumatologist kind of serves as my PCP and he has a full schedule.  I read in an email that my nutritionist is working with a practitioner in his office to have his big blood draw panels submitted to insurance.  I just don’t want to pay $350 out of pocket since I have good insurance.  I need a PCP that can help me manage this crap but is holistic/considers alternative therapies but also takes insurance.  Basically, I need a unicorn.  But still, I wonder what my levels look like.  I bet my magnesium is low!!! I had the starts of a leg cramp this morning!  Magnesium always fixes that!”

“Some of my friends are going through heavy stuff.  I’m one of those people that take on my friends’ and family’s worries and their struggles.  I have a hard time setting those things aside.” 

After hearing myself go through all the reasons that my body is a damn hot mess, I said to my friend, “When am I going to just own up to the fact that I have this damn condition and regardless of what causes me to be in knots, just accept it and move forward??”  This is the advantage to your PT being your friend first.  She gave me a look and a smile and she just let me talk.  She didn’t try to solve the fact that I have this stupid f’g condition.  She kept steadily working to get my muscles to release.  She helped me to breathe through the burning pain of trying to release them.  She stretched me.  And she just kept moving me forward.   Baby steps, but forward ones.

I came home, drank not enough water even though I was chugging away at it and worked some more while I was the most mobile but all the physical work on my shoulders and neck coupled with the release of that crap (I think it’s lactic acid but Lord knows I’m no medical professional) finally put me on ice in the bean bag chair by 4.   I couldn’t stand it any longer.  I took the meds, I drank water and orange Gatorade (don’t ask me why this helps my headaches, I just know that it does).   My husband picked up the kids (actually I ventured out with my dark shades for one and he got the other), they all came home to our one night free this week (we decided when we saw the free night that it would be family night), dinner was started with something in the crockpot and there I was, Momma laid out waiting for meds to work in the bean bag chair.  That Momma, she’s the family party animal.   

Finally, I dragged myself (is it drug or dragged? Alright grammar folks, where are you? Drug just sounds bad to me.  So if dragged is wrong, I don’t want to be right) upstairs and laid down.  “If I can just rest for a few mins and get my head easy.” Two hours later, one of the kids nudged me and asked if I wanted dinner.  Nuh-uh.  And an hour after that, I finally woke up.  Still had a headache, though much duller that before, but I was starting to feel human.   Nothing says party animal 40 year old like a 3 hour nap on Friday evening.  

I’m still not ready to own it.  But I’m also not going to let it own me.  I’m still going to take trips and do things around the house and work hard and go to the dentist.  And I’ll do the things that help like carry my tiny purse, eat around my weird sensitivities, take naps and Epsom salt baths.  And I’ll help my husband hang my kid’s fathead decals that came today on his walls because my son is so excited about them and I’ll end up on the couch with my sweet tween watching The Princess & The Frog while she half pays attention to the movie and half to her phone.  And I’ll lie back down on ice in my bed and take my meds and I’ll say a prayer that I feel well enough in the morning to enjoy my kids’ ballgames.  And if I don’t feel great (or functional), I’ll go into my arsenal of rollers and STEM units and medicines and essential oils and stinky herbal rubs and ice and heat and all the stuff and I’ll hit it with all that I have.  And I’ll dig deep and tell myself that feeling bad is nothing compared to the thought of missing out on seeing my kids do what they love.  And I’ll push through.  Because sometimes when you’re trying to own up to your reality that you don’t particularly care for, the only logical next step is to push through. 

(And yes, grammarians, I ended with a preposition.  Get off of me! Didn’t you read that I have a headache!?!)